This Week’s Feet

Ever eaten Feng Zhao? Phoenix Claws? They’re the same thing: chicken feet. On Saturday night, I ate some. Never again. Ever. Rubber and gelatine. Ever tasted a cold McDonald’s Filet o’ Fish? Exactly like that crap.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like my host grabbed a live fowl, ripped off the legs, and threw them onto my plate. They were marinated in a lovely chilli sauce, and were served alongside some lovely drumsticks while I sat next to my host’s hot daughter. But I couldn’t shake the fact that these claw-things tasted like spicy glue filled with small bones. I thank the chicken for giving its life for my meal, but next time, I’m insisting we bury the extremities. Especially the head. I only started this diet a couple of weeks ago, and as I was eating this food, I envisioned my stomach saying “Dude!? What the hell?! First no junk food and now this?? Why are you doing this?!”

I tried one, and my friend told her mother “one is probably enough for him”. But there was a pile there. I figured, if I didn’t eat another, I might be insulting the lady’s cooking. Somehow I ended up eating about four.

Anyway, this post wasn’t supposed to be about adventurous food, it was actually going to be about idiots I heard about recently. Like this guy: He saw two guys communicating in sign language, stupidly assumed they were throwing gang signs at each other, and stabbed one of them. Firstly, if you’ve never seen sign language before (not even on television), then don’t leave your house. You’re too dangerous to live in the outside world. Secondly, violence shouldn’t be used for simply using some gang signs?

Violence should be reserved for people like this: A ball-boy at a major league football match, decided he would help out his team by holding onto the ball so a opposition player couldn’t re-start the game. So he got kicked.
I know some say “there’s no excuse for using violence against children”, and most of the time I’d agree, but in this case, those people are very wrong. Here’s why: This boy did something exceptionally stupid. And he now has over 100,000 followers on Twitter. The boy did something moronic, and is now being liked for it. We shouldn’t be rewarding stupidity, we should be punishing it. In fact, the only person who did the right thing was the football player who kicked this dickhead.
If we don’t punish people for doing dumb things, they’re going to keep on doing it. Like our politicians, or some of our senior police officers. They screw up, nobody kicks them, so they continue doing the same thing.

So, stand up for common sense. If you can lash out at a dumbass, do it. The world may not thank you, but at least in your heart, you’ll know you’re doing the right thing.

If this ballboy gets a university degree, then we can probably stop hitting him.

No Perfect System

Last week, I started an exercise regime. I now walk up 18 flights of stairs each morning. I’m going to die.

I’ve given up drinking 12 beers/two bottles of wine every single night. Yes, every day I go to work, I’m no longer drunk/hungover. I now realise how depressing my work is. I’m able to focus on everything other than how tired/thirsty I am, to see how annoying/attractive some of my co-workers are. Obviously, the ones I find annoying are most-of-the-time different people from the ones I find attractive.

The last time I found a woman attractive at work, I ended up dating her for about a year, despite there being a clause in our contracts that specifically stated we wouldn’t engage in office relationships. It’s true that our manager had a one-night-stand with a woman at one of our Christmas parties, but she worked in the Contact Centre, so I guess there’s an exception for people whose job titles imply they’re up for it.

Another example of things I find annoying now is a friend who told me she went to Sky City on New Year’s Eve and lost around $300. She said she had the perfect system, whereby every time she lost money, she doubled her bet for the next round. She told me she was just trying to make some cash, and the system would have worked if she’d had unlimited gambling money. I told her if she’d had unlimited gambling money, she’d have already been rich, so wouldn’t have needed to make some cash. There’s no perfect gambling system. It’s all about luck. Like Lotto. Or finding a woman in your 40s who isn’t already married, in a relationship, with children, or somebody who I have no chemistry with.

Also, something I find really annoying is the reaction to the cafe that threw out a woman because her baby wouldn’t stop crying. It’s similar to the very first blog I did, when a parental group criticised Piri Weepu for not breast-feeding his baby.
I said the parental group were stupid for doing that, because, obviously, being a man, Piri couldn’t breastfeed. It’s true, men can’t. Then, I had a woman respond who was so unbelievably dribblingly stupid that she tried to defend the group. That really was lucky for me. To have somebody so mentally incompetent they can’t work out men can’t breastfeed to actually try to explain their thoughts is pretty special, and I got it in my first blog. Now, there’s an opportunity for a second time!
If I walked into a cafe with a trumpet and just persistently played it, people would get upset and I’d be asked to leave. Everybody would be happy I’m gone. But, bring a screaming child in, things are apparently different. They shouldn’t be. They threw the woman out, and they were right to do so.
Bring on the dumbasses who want to disagree.

Or, just imagine me punishing myself by walking up 18 flights of stairs every morning. It is exhausting.

Post-Christmas Blues

Everybody’s festive season’s over; it’s back to our usual lives once more! That’s something I’ll toast many drinks to. Today. Anyway, observations:

Two things about New Year’s Eve. Why no TV countdowns anymore? Also, my friend and I walked to a small public reserve, overlooking the city, to watch the Sky Tower fireworks. It’s vaguely interesting. This year it was more so, because we disturbed a couple bonking in the open. It was dark, so I assume they thought we couldn’t see them, because they just kept going. The fireworks weren’t bad. They made international news, and that’s with no mention of the crazed humpers.

Something else that’s never interesting, and always frustrating; weather forecasters. The NZ Herald said cloudy with drizzle for New Year’s Eve. Then, after a sunny day, at 4.31pm they ran a story saying “the sun should be shining”. 4.31pm! I bet the losers just looked out the window and took a guess. Why do we pay people to forecast the weather? That’s valuable time that could be used to notify the public of alcohol specials around the city. That’s far more useful.

I spend a lot of my time annoyed, recently. I say ‘recently’, but I really mean the last 28 years of my life. Here’s an example from this week:

I got my hair cut yesterday. Asked for a trim. I knew something was up when I felt something shave off most of the hair above my right ear. I exclaimed “what the fuck?”

Just in case you weren’t aware, saying “what the fuck?” is going to startle your hairdresser. I don’t advise it if they’re using scissors, but since she held a razor, I figured I wouldn’t die instantly.

I said “not that short!”, to which the hairdresser replied “it’s not short, I’m cutting with the line”.

I don’t know what the hell “cutting with the line” is with regard to hair. The last time I heard it said, an ’80s movie character was chopping up cocaine on a mirror. Now my hair is as fucked up as a New Zealand television script. I look like an egg that’s had its top dampened and then dipped into a bird’s nest. Welcome to my life.

Back to work. Always frustrating. The boss was sick the last couple of days, but came in on Friday. That gave a couple of people a treat to say “you don’t look good at all!” which is a bandwagon I should have jumped on, but I suspected I’d sound too happy about it. “Whoa, why do you look like shit?” is perhaps not a good way to start the year.

I’ll finish off with these words of wisdom from a “courtesan site” my female friend stumbled across:

“Please … refrain from asking courtesans “what’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?” [This] is a nice place, you’re a gentleman so why wouldn’t she want to work here? They marvel at how many of you ask this!”

New Year’s Eve 2012

I know the secret of New Year’s Eve (NYE) Resolutions.

Last NYE, I made my most successful resolution ever; to drink more alcohol. I’m happy to say, I did, so I feel fulfilled, even if I did put on a teensy-weensy 10kg. We all have to make sacrifices.

My success is a far cry from my earliest NYE Resolution, when I was nine. Our family sat at breakfast, and I vowed I wouldn’t call my sibling any more rude names.
Straight away, my brother exclaimed “That’s a stupid resolution”.
I responded, “Shut up, dickhead”.
Three seconds. That’s how long I kept my first NYE Resolution.

I managed to keep last year’s because I realised at a young age you can’t vow to do something that isn’t in your power. It’s similar to saying you’ll finally meet a person you’re romantically compatible with, and then every single date you find the people are total rejects.
Or a prostitute who vows “no more ass-sex for me”, then all the clients come in saying “we don’t like any of that sissy, yucky front-bottom stuff”.
It’s not in your power to change.

But drinking less, not eating so much red or processed meat, and not going to rest homes for Christmas lunch; these are things we’re possibly capable of doing by ourselves (or at least, I’ll find out in 2013). So, here are my tips:

1) Don’t stop with NYE Resolutions completely. It’s good to have goals, just make achievable ones. It’s like exclaiming there’s no point in dating anymore because everybody is either taken, or the spawn of some dumbass Satan. I mean, it works for me, but I’m a total pessimist; not only do I think nobody reads these blogs, I also don’t think my fingers are getting exercise from typing them. It’s a different life-route, and I’m vaguely interested to see where it may take me.
Don’t be afraid to try something new, but also don’t be too cowardly to say “I must’ve been really stupid when I thought of that”.

2) Make shorter-term goals. Don’t say “By December 2013, I’ll have lost 3kg”, because you’ll either leave it to the last minute, or you’ll lose focus by January 2nd. An excellent short-term goal, for example, would by “on the morning of January 1, I won’t wake up on a deserted island in the Manukau Harbour with an idiot”. I’m never doing that again.

3) Spend the night with somebody you care about. I used to watch the televised countdown surrounded by beer, until I realised that’s just sad. Plus, the countdowns stopped being televised. So now, I just watch TV with imaginary friends on NYE. They usually don’t complain, but it is annoying how they never pass me the alcohol. Selfish, I suppose.

So, those are my three tips for successful NYE Resolutions. Never forget that the world is not your oyster or a bowl of cherries. It’s a farm, and you should consider yourself lucky when you don’t stand in cowpats.

Spider Goat

Have you heard of Spider Goat? It’s a real thing. Don’t think of Spiderman, and yet a goat. Really the wrong track. No criminals are caught. This thing is a genetically modified goat that, when milked, can produce large quantities of spider silk. The silk is one of the strongest substances that human beings know of. This is really handy, and yet horrific.

Now, I’d like you to imagine that instead of a goat, we did this with a human female. Not that I think anybody would be that crazy, but it’s a great idea. A lady is walking alone on a street, two guys approach her with criminal intentions, and WHAM, she drops her top and suddenly these males are wrapped up and ready for the police. We’ve already genetically modified a goat, and goats are in far less danger of being sexually attacked. Probably MORE so now that they have this valuable silk gene.

You may think this is all bizarre talk, but look, so many crazy things have been happening, I’ve decided this week to embrace them. Why fight against them, it never seems to do any good.

New Zealand politicans have just been given a pay rise, for goodness sake. These are the tossers who, in the past few months, have stalled on re-building devastated Christchurch, implemented a system where teachers have been getting their wages dicked around with, and completely inverted the justice system by ignoring recommendations from judges. But this is enough for a pay rise.
The independent authority says that these pay rises are still not keeping pace with the cost of living, and that since 2009 wages have increased by 5.6%. That’s a lie right there, because since 2007, my pay has increased by one dollar. I don’t know where these people are getting their figures from, but I’m feeling particularly fucked over.

But, why fight it. Nobody’s going to do anything, so screw it. Let’s embrace the Spider Goat phenomenon, and just say “it’s happening, let’s just get used to it”.

Plus, it’s Christmas soon. Don’t want to put a dampner on that, it’s one of the few times of the year that people get together as a whole and try to enjoy. Even though, in Auckland, in the last ten years, there has been a sunny Christmas Day only once, in 2009. Magical time. Some people may try to tell you that 2011 was also dry. It wasn’t. It was overcast and drizzling from Ellerslie to Henderson. I don’t know why people try to lie like that. I guess they’re hoping we won’t remember. Once again, don’t fight it.

I’d like to see the Spider Goat, though. Like on Labour Day 1995, when we saw a picture of a mouse on the national news with a human ear growing on its back. It really sticks in the memory. Also, I doubt there’s just one. There may be a Spider Goat army. Just not with guns or tanks.

But aren’t you just a little frightened?

Inevitable Cr@pstorm

As Christmas approaches each year, there are hilarious stories of people dying by being extra stupid. Some go to the Great Dumbassery in the Sky by eating decorations thinking they’re chocolates. Some die by testing batteries on their tongue. Then there are those who electrocute/burn themselves to death by watering their (probably plastic) Christmas tree while the lights are plugged in.

I love all that. I get a kick out of seeing skateboarders hurt themselves. I think it’s because they’re doing something I find completely valueless, and so ultimately they’re getting their just reward. I feel the same way when a useless politician gets slammed in the media for doing something stupid, except I don’t get the satisfaction of seeing them physically injured.

It really gives me hope that the stupid people I encounter throughout the year are being thinned down through natural selection. For more on this, check out The Darwin Awards. Natural Justice is genius.

But there’s a difference between dumbasses being injured, and dumbassed pranksters humiliating people, because it’s the innocent people who are getting hurt.

I had a d*bag ring up my flatmate once and say he was from the New Zealand Police, and they were investigating me. He claims he said he was from “The Porn Department”, but presumably because he was trying to hold back laughter, she heard him say “The Law Department”, so that made things worse. She got worried, and he got to touch himself. Nothing funny about that joke whatsoever. But then, there’s nothing funny about pranking people. Ever. You’re tricking somebody you don’t know, because you’re a dick, or you’re tricking somebody you like, because you’re a dick. There is no third option. Sure, you may be tricking somebody you don’t like, but then that’s not pranking. That’s called revenge, and falls under the Natural Justice category I mentioned above.

This week, two DJ’s rang up a hospital and pretended to be part of the British Royal Family. Obviously, when they came up with the idea, they must have thought “let’s do this, because we’ll look like massive idiots”. Happy with that, they went to the next step. “If we actually get put through for some confidential information, we’ll look like devious idiots”, which made them even happier. At no point was this a good idea, and yet they went ahead with it. A crapstorm was inevitable. And now the DJ’s have been taken off air because they got what they wanted. They look like devious idiots. Yet, they’re pretending to be surprised. That, of course, makes them even bigger crap-for-brains than they initially were. Incredible.

Somebody even died. A humiliated nurse killed herself after falling for the actions of these two dipshits. So suddenly their douchebaggery has grown to a stunning magnitude. They’ve became the skateboarders I love to see get injured. Hounded for the rest of their days, branded as a**holes. Natural Justice.

Again, it’s a lesson for everybody. Please don’t be a dickhead.

Ever.

Bits & Pieces Again

TAX.

Starbucks in the UK paid £8.6 million over 13 years in tax, while recording sales of £3.1 billion. Bastards. If anybody is surprised that is happening, you really need to start reading newspapers NOW. Plus those cups, and the crappy coffee, are a major source of pollution.

GOP. WTF?

Now the American presidential election’s over for another 4 years, I’d like to ask the question: Does anybody in the Republican Party have a brain?

The Republicans, officially the “Grand Old Party”, have some of the worst policies for a developed nation: No homosexuals or females in the army, cut taxes for corporations, lock up everybody for the smallest crimes (and kill some of them), don’t let gays marry, promote home schooling, ignore climate change and rely on fossil fuels, and perhaps most remarkably, has no official policy on the current war in Afghanistan. So, my question is, why would anybody support that way of thinking? Why would you live through the 8 years of George W. Bush and want those times again?

The GOP candidate in 2012, Mitt Romney, called businesses “Job Creators”, but ignored the fact that most of the money from businesses go to paying executives, and not towards creating jobs. Thank goodness they didn’t get in. But I am worried about 2016, and not because the pollution in Rio during the Olympics might be pretty bad.

And for anybody who asks “Why do we care what happens in American politics”, I’ll explain again: Half the US voted for the GOP’s policies. If half of them are unable to see through bizarre propaganda, how are YOU going to do it when New Zealand’s election comes around? This was your practice.

Agreedisagree.co.nz

Speaking of propaganda, this site is stunning in its message. It actually starts with the phrase “We agree that tobacco is harmful”. That’s like McDonald’s saying “we agree that our food is unhealthy”, or North Korea saying “we agree that our leader is nuts”. Because the instant response, right from the beginning, is “well, shouldn’t you change that situation, then?”

Money and power are where common sense breaks down. It’s like saying “I have the right to wear a picture of Hitler’s bum on my arm”. Yes, you do, but you’d have to be pretty stupid. Hitler’s bum’d probably have a swastika on it. Otherwise, how would you know it’s Hitler.

The argument of this campaign seems to be that if you had plain packaging on other things, people would think its bad. What if your beers were plain? Your electronic goods? Your books? The sky would fall and we’ll be living in caves in our underwear, is the message. Of course, the people at agreedisagree.co.nz are hoping that people forget the people selling the goods still know which one to give you. So the argument breaks down right there. They’re counting on stupid people to panic. If you’re going to try to get anybody to panic, the stupid people are usually the easiest target. Don’t be stupid. Don’t agree with them.

Jobs & Affairs

Nothing very good comes from an affair. It’s always going to lead to heartbreak, anger, irritable bowel-induced stress, possible divorce, and now, losing your job.

CIA director David Petraeus (famous for possibly being mentioned in the 1980s Falco song “Rock me, Dave Petraeus”), resigned after an affair.

Then, I read that the soon-to-be-CEO of Lockheed Martin Corp (an American aerospace and security corporation) resigned because he was having an affair with a subordinate.

Now, that’s weird to me. I’m not condoning affairs, but why should you resign after you get caught having one?

My first instinct was this was an organisation policy that was in their contracts. But why would that be in your contract? Does the company consider a relationship with a co-worker displays some sort of lack of morality? Because, in the case of the Lockheed Martin guy, he was about to do a job where the last guy in 2011 received $US1.8mill salary and a further $US23,569,641 in bonuses and “compensations”. So in a company where the majority of workers earn barely enough to pay for rent, utilities and food while you’re raking in a cool $US25mill, morality obviously isn’t the first thing on the board of directors minds.

Plus, there’s the small point that both Lockheed Martin Corp and the US military kill (or make devices that kill) lots of people.

So why should having an affair with a co-worker be worse than not paying your workers a living wage, and killing a few innocent civilians?

There is the point to be made that you shouldn’t “cr@p where you eat”. You may get distracted from doing your job properly while you’re thinking about the next time you can boff your colleague/subordinate/cleaning person. Also, when the relationship goes sour (and you know it will go sour because affairs go bad 99.5% of the time, and no, you’re not one of the exceptions), you’ve cr@pped where you eat and now you’re stuck with the taste of that in your mouth for as long as the two of you work together.

On the other hand, we all have personal lives that distract from our work. Family members who get sick, YOU get sick, bills to pay that may be tough, and when did having a car become such a money pit? Or you look at the cute people in the office. Or you’ve got co-workers who constantly tell you about their problems as well, because a problem shared is a problem doubled. The incompetent co-workers are also distracting, and unproductive, but for some reason, they’re allowed to stay. Why is this different from having an affair? At least if you’re doing a co-worker, the two of you are briefly happy and productive once you leave the cleaning cupboard.

Morally, I don’t know why people need to quit after an affair is discovered. Sure, emotionally, it’s good to know somebody’s paying for the heartbreak that your downright dumbassery caused somewhere. But logically, it just doesn’t make sense to me.

My Third Test For 2012

I left my organiser at work, so lucky people, I can’t remember what I was going to write about. I don’t remember much, really, that’s why I have the organiser.

Instead, here’s my third “Are You A Dickhead Test”. None of my friends have said they’ve been able to achieve a “Not A Dickhead” status, so I’m assuming they’ve all failed. Bad luck.

1. You know you drive slowly, and you’ve pulled your car over to the kerb. You want to get back onto the road. Do you a) pull out in front of other traffic, or b) wait until the faster traffic has gone by? If you chose a, congratulations, you’re a dickhead! Does it feel good? It shouldn’t. Dumbass.

2. You drive a truck and you’re on the motorway. Do you a) drive slowly in the middle lane so all the cars have to go either side around you, or b) drive in the lefthand lane? If you chose a, once again, you’re a dickhead. Have some consideration, idiot!

3. There’s a sign saying “No Right Turn Between 3-7pm”. It’s 5.15pm, and you want to turn right. Do you a) keep driving, turn around, and then turn left, or b) Indicate to turn right, stop the car, and back up traffic behind you? If you chose b, like the lady I was following a couple of weeks ago, then you’re a massive dickhead. If you’re illiterate, don’t drive. You think you can get by with just sign shapes and colours, but there’s always going to be something like this that makes the other drivers blare their horns at you. I really don’t think she knew why all the drivers were honking her.

4. You’ve turned into a car park, and you approach a t-junction. Do you a) indicate the way you want to turn, or b), just turn into people walking along. If this was a road, then choosing b isn’t a problem. But it’s a car park, you’ve got to expect people walking to their cars. If you don’t indicate, then you’ve suddenly become a whacking great dickhead. The indicators are there for a reason.

5. You drive a truck, and you’re carrying a load of dirt or gravel. Do you a) put a cover over your load, or b) leave it open so that when you go on the motorway, the load flies off over the cars behind you. If you chose b, you must be trying to be a dickhead. It’s not a competition to discover who’s the stupidest, you know.

6. You’re the government, and you announce that you’re cutting benefits to people who are wanted for arrest and are on the run. Do you a) state what you’re doing as if it’s brilliant, or b) explain why the hell nobody has done this before? If you chose a, you’re an incredible dickhead. How do you think they’ve been funding themselves while on the run?

If you scored “Dickhead” to any one, try posting a bomb to yourself. Happy weekend!

Getting Right Up Our Noses

Why do hitch-hikers stand at motorway on-ramps? Do they honestly believe drivers will change their mind about accelerating up to 100kph, and instead slam on their brakes for the smelly people with backpacks?

This blog post isn’t slamming greasy hitch-hikers though, it’s criticising people who can’t see the bloody obvious.

Every few months we get “news” stories about more and more Kiwis flying to Australia to start a new life. There are now more there than in Christchurch (which was once our second most-populated city). Of course, there are better jobs in Oz, better pay, better living conditions. The only downside is the goddamn stupid Australians. Actually, that may be an unfair generalisation – most of the Aussies outside New South Wales haven’t been too bad. So, in my vast experience, the ones in Sydney can’t work out how to sit on a toilet the right way around.
But what have successive NZ governments since Muldoon done about the exodus? Sat in parliament and masturbated. Well, they may not have constantly wanked, but they might as well have done for all that’s been achieved in stopping the “brain drain”. Or “skills drain”.

People are probably also going overseas because NZ TV is so bad. I don’t mean the imported stuff, or even the local non-fiction, but the stuff we ourselves make up. It’s almost all rubbish. Look at Shortland Street. Or, better yet, don’t, because it’s possibly the worst of the lot and will make your head bleed. I asked a 13yr-old why she was a fan. “It has a good plot”, she said, “and I like calling some of them dumb pricks”, which is fair enough, I guess. Besides the fact you’re probably all wondering why I’m talking to a 13yr-old girl, you may’ve noticed she didn’t say anything about the dialogue, the acting, or the direction. probably because they’re all undeniably crap.

In the old days, people would say “Oh, you think you can do better, do you?” But of course now, the truth is, we CAN. With Shortland Street, I actually proved it. In 2001, they would send out script packs where people could try writing for an episode of the show. With my script pack, I did some pretty good dialogue, and pointed out “there are too many scenes crammed into this episode, it was difficult to keep the time down for each scene”. Not only did they reject my script for reasons they didn’t mention, they followed my suggestion and removed three scenes. So they missed the obvious, too. Bastards.

I also hate plans to raise taxes to pay for rubbish collection. Most of the rubbish comes from the manufacturer’s packaging. Why don’t they get charged for forcing that rubbish onto the consumers? They know it’ll just get trashed, but out of sight, out of mind. May that’s too blatant to think about.

From Hitch-hikers to the government to TV executives. All I ask is each one use their brain. Is that so difficult? Really?