Post-Christmas Blues

Everybody’s festive season’s over; it’s back to our usual lives once more! That’s something I’ll toast many drinks to. Today. Anyway, observations:

Two things about New Year’s Eve. Why no TV countdowns anymore? Also, my friend and I walked to a small public reserve, overlooking the city, to watch the Sky Tower fireworks. It’s vaguely interesting. This year it was more so, because we disturbed a couple bonking in the open. It was dark, so I assume they thought we couldn’t see them, because they just kept going. The fireworks weren’t bad. They made international news, and that’s with no mention of the crazed humpers.

Something else that’s never interesting, and always frustrating; weather forecasters. The NZ Herald said cloudy with drizzle for New Year’s Eve. Then, after a sunny day, at 4.31pm they ran a story saying “the sun should be shining”. 4.31pm! I bet the losers just looked out the window and took a guess. Why do we pay people to forecast the weather? That’s valuable time that could be used to notify the public of alcohol specials around the city. That’s far more useful.

I spend a lot of my time annoyed, recently. I say ‘recently’, but I really mean the last 28 years of my life. Here’s an example from this week:

I got my hair cut yesterday. Asked for a trim. I knew something was up when I felt something shave off most of the hair above my right ear. I exclaimed “what the fuck?”

Just in case you weren’t aware, saying “what the fuck?” is going to startle your hairdresser. I don’t advise it if they’re using scissors, but since she held a razor, I figured I wouldn’t die instantly.

I said “not that short!”, to which the hairdresser replied “it’s not short, I’m cutting with the line”.

I don’t know what the hell “cutting with the line” is with regard to hair. The last time I heard it said, an ’80s movie character was chopping up cocaine on a mirror. Now my hair is as fucked up as a New Zealand television script. I look like an egg that’s had its top dampened and then dipped into a bird’s nest. Welcome to my life.

Back to work. Always frustrating. The boss was sick the last couple of days, but came in on Friday. That gave a couple of people a treat to say “you don’t look good at all!” which is a bandwagon I should have jumped on, but I suspected I’d sound too happy about it. “Whoa, why do you look like shit?” is perhaps not a good way to start the year.

I’ll finish off with these words of wisdom from a “courtesan site” my female friend stumbled across:

“Please … refrain from asking courtesans “what’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?” [This] is a nice place, you’re a gentleman so why wouldn’t she want to work here? They marvel at how many of you ask this!”

Friendship Is Magic

My pal confessed to me this week that they’re not “obsessed”, but completely in love, with the current incarnation of “My Little Pony”.

He’s in his mid-to-late thirties, almost a total loner, and he’s a “Brony”. That’s a bro, who’s into the Ponies.

My first instinct on hearing this was that it’s only a matter of time before he’s dressing as a colourful horse and yiffing in the park with other bronies. It’s better not to Google that.

On the other hand, is it like a parent saying “my daughter likes playing with tanks, she must be a lesbian”? If people like doing something, it doesn’t hurt anybody, then what’s the problem?

Animation hasn’t been solely for children for over 20 years. Look at the Simpsons, or South Park.

My pal identifies most with Fluttershy. It’s a female, but she’s a shy and timid pegasus pony, who loves animals. She can be quite assertive when her friends are in danger.

My friend is also pretty shy and timid, exceptionally bad at expressing his emotions. At first glance, having a female role model might seem confusing, but think of this:

Growing up in the 1970s and ’80s, I wasn’t surrounded by male role models on television. It was the days of A-Team and Knight Rider, for goodness sake. But for the sparsity of male role models, there were even less for females. Who the hell did a girl watch on TV and say “yes, I’d like to grow up to be like her”? Jem and her holograms? Maybe girls did look at the males and say “yeah, I could be intelligent and resourceful like MacGuyver, just with far better hair!”

Maybe this is a growing experience for my pal. He can see Fluttershy being kind to animals, and he can learn to relate to creatures himself. When you read all the stories about psychotics who starve and beat and murder puppies, seals and yes, horses, then having a cartoon role model who teaches you to respect those who can feel pain is a pretty good thing.

I took part in a University of Auckland study in 1991 when I was a student there, that looked at the type of television children watched, and how much violence they were exposed to. As a result, it was “discovered” that TV directed at boys had a huge amount of violent acts in it. I know that violence and sex “sells”, but can’t help that noting that females are less violent than males. That’s not only because of the TV they see, but because the shows for females have characters dealing with issues while avoiding aggression.

I’ve seen the first two episodes of the latest My Little Pony series, and it’s really not for me. I just didn’t like the writing. But, in the words of my pal who’s a great fan, it doesn’t involve tentacle rape like some other shows, so that has to be a good thing.

Plus, it’s so difficult finding new friends.

Getting Right Up Our Noses

Why do hitch-hikers stand at motorway on-ramps? Do they honestly believe drivers will change their mind about accelerating up to 100kph, and instead slam on their brakes for the smelly people with backpacks?

This blog post isn’t slamming greasy hitch-hikers though, it’s criticising people who can’t see the bloody obvious.

Every few months we get “news” stories about more and more Kiwis flying to Australia to start a new life. There are now more there than in Christchurch (which was once our second most-populated city). Of course, there are better jobs in Oz, better pay, better living conditions. The only downside is the goddamn stupid Australians. Actually, that may be an unfair generalisation – most of the Aussies outside New South Wales haven’t been too bad. So, in my vast experience, the ones in Sydney can’t work out how to sit on a toilet the right way around.
But what have successive NZ governments since Muldoon done about the exodus? Sat in parliament and masturbated. Well, they may not have constantly wanked, but they might as well have done for all that’s been achieved in stopping the “brain drain”. Or “skills drain”.

People are probably also going overseas because NZ TV is so bad. I don’t mean the imported stuff, or even the local non-fiction, but the stuff we ourselves make up. It’s almost all rubbish. Look at Shortland Street. Or, better yet, don’t, because it’s possibly the worst of the lot and will make your head bleed. I asked a 13yr-old why she was a fan. “It has a good plot”, she said, “and I like calling some of them dumb pricks”, which is fair enough, I guess. Besides the fact you’re probably all wondering why I’m talking to a 13yr-old girl, you may’ve noticed she didn’t say anything about the dialogue, the acting, or the direction. probably because they’re all undeniably crap.

In the old days, people would say “Oh, you think you can do better, do you?” But of course now, the truth is, we CAN. With Shortland Street, I actually proved it. In 2001, they would send out script packs where people could try writing for an episode of the show. With my script pack, I did some pretty good dialogue, and pointed out “there are too many scenes crammed into this episode, it was difficult to keep the time down for each scene”. Not only did they reject my script for reasons they didn’t mention, they followed my suggestion and removed three scenes. So they missed the obvious, too. Bastards.

I also hate plans to raise taxes to pay for rubbish collection. Most of the rubbish comes from the manufacturer’s packaging. Why don’t they get charged for forcing that rubbish onto the consumers? They know it’ll just get trashed, but out of sight, out of mind. May that’s too blatant to think about.

From Hitch-hikers to the government to TV executives. All I ask is each one use their brain. Is that so difficult? Really?

NZ’s Got Weak-As-Water Talent

I know a guy who wore Velcro pants. He’d whip them off & claim “I’m always ready for it!” Reality was, he had the world’s smallest bladder. When drinking beer, he needed quick access when toileting. A piss-up with him was sometimes like drinking by myself.

These days, you have to be careful of people, like my friend, who say something but actually mean another. Like the recent announcement that this country is launching the “New Zealand’s Got Talent” show.

TVNZ chief executive Jane Wrightson was reported in the NZ Herald saying it’s a “wonderful opportunity” for Kiwi entertainers. But that’s not the whole truth.

Sure, Susan Boyle has an incredible voice, but that’s not why she was such a boost for her home country of Scotland in “Britain’s Got Talent”. When she announced she was still a virgin, it was a public service announcement. Obviously, the alcohol and drug situation wasn’t completely out of control yet in Scotland. She’s apparently made over £6million since her second-place, fingers crossed that now money has bought her happiness.

Last year’s BGT finalist Michael Collings said he wanted to win so he could lift his family out of poverty. He told a nice story of saving up to buy a ring for his fiancee, who he now has a son with – and in a traditional happy ending, he’s now playing at … universities across the UK. Maybe he’ll get an education on the way. It’s another public service announcement. You can have a talent, but you’ve got to also have a heartfelt story of pity. Like my friend with the bladder the size of a walnut.

It’s just like when the US Burger chain Carl’s Jr started opening stores in New Zealand and said their main aim was to “target young, hungry guys”. They didn’t mention that because so many people here are on their way to becoming obese that it just happens to be a goldmine. It’s like saying Telecom NZ only wants to target people who want to share information, and banks only want to target people who use money. It has nothing to do with dollar signs flashing in their eyes and executives getting massive bonuses at all.

So when TVNZ says it wants to “provide a platform for NZ performers”, what do they actually mean?

Like my friend who needed to pee every thirty minutes, NZ television only knows how to drink overseas formats and then pee them out all over the New Zealand public in as awful way as possible. Just see “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire”, “Would I Lie To You”, “Pop Idol”, “New Zealand Idol”, “Stars In their Eyes” … NZers can only tolerate so much of a local version. It reminds us that much of our TV-making skills are rubbish. So TVNZ is just whispering “quick, make money now off it, while we can!”

TVNZ’s got its latest golden shower coming right at you.