This Week’s Feet

Ever eaten Feng Zhao? Phoenix Claws? They’re the same thing: chicken feet. On Saturday night, I ate some. Never again. Ever. Rubber and gelatine. Ever tasted a cold McDonald’s Filet o’ Fish? Exactly like that crap.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like my host grabbed a live fowl, ripped off the legs, and threw them onto my plate. They were marinated in a lovely chilli sauce, and were served alongside some lovely drumsticks while I sat next to my host’s hot daughter. But I couldn’t shake the fact that these claw-things tasted like spicy glue filled with small bones. I thank the chicken for giving its life for my meal, but next time, I’m insisting we bury the extremities. Especially the head. I only started this diet a couple of weeks ago, and as I was eating this food, I envisioned my stomach saying “Dude!? What the hell?! First no junk food and now this?? Why are you doing this?!”

I tried one, and my friend told her mother “one is probably enough for him”. But there was a pile there. I figured, if I didn’t eat another, I might be insulting the lady’s cooking. Somehow I ended up eating about four.

Anyway, this post wasn’t supposed to be about adventurous food, it was actually going to be about idiots I heard about recently. Like this guy: He saw two guys communicating in sign language, stupidly assumed they were throwing gang signs at each other, and stabbed one of them. Firstly, if you’ve never seen sign language before (not even on television), then don’t leave your house. You’re too dangerous to live in the outside world. Secondly, violence shouldn’t be used for simply using some gang signs?

Violence should be reserved for people like this: A ball-boy at a major league football match, decided he would help out his team by holding onto the ball so a opposition player couldn’t re-start the game. So he got kicked.
I know some say “there’s no excuse for using violence against children”, and most of the time I’d agree, but in this case, those people are very wrong. Here’s why: This boy did something exceptionally stupid. And he now has over 100,000 followers on Twitter. The boy did something moronic, and is now being liked for it. We shouldn’t be rewarding stupidity, we should be punishing it. In fact, the only person who did the right thing was the football player who kicked this dickhead.
If we don’t punish people for doing dumb things, they’re going to keep on doing it. Like our politicians, or some of our senior police officers. They screw up, nobody kicks them, so they continue doing the same thing.

So, stand up for common sense. If you can lash out at a dumbass, do it. The world may not thank you, but at least in your heart, you’ll know you’re doing the right thing.

If this ballboy gets a university degree, then we can probably stop hitting him.

Questions for Friday

Some people just exhaust me psychologically. Is that normal? Does everybody know people who just drain the life force from you?

I don’t know if I’m just impatient with the odd person. I’ve been complemented before about my patience, but that could be because a) I’m a good actor, b) they’re a bad judge of character, or c) I really am extra patient.

It’s difficult to tell if I’m truly an impatient person, because usually when I discuss this subject, the other people involved in my conversation begin to drain my soul as well. I’ve been like this all my life, and I don’t know if this points to something really good, or really bad.

Do people usually offer constructive criticism to their friends? I don’t know. My imaginary friends certainly don’t.

A man in his 70s said to me on Friday “I don’t like that word ‘stupid’.”

I commented that if that was true, it was amazing he’d survived as long as he had, since the world is full of stupid people.

This elderly man said the problem wasn’t people’s intelligence, the issue was the Welfare State. He said people want handouts to get pregnant and raise large families. I asked him why he thought these people were intelligent to do that, and he said the parents don’t raise their children correctly.

I was completely lost. I’m lost thinking about it now. But it just emptied my Patience Bank. Pulled the plug and my patience gushed out completely.

How does everybody else not run out of patience? Why aren’t we all just getting angry and beating the crap out of stupid people? Sincerely. It’s better for society, surely, if they don’t breed? Or, at least, stop having influence on the education of others?

I spoke to a trained psychologist once, and asked her how a person could learn to become more patient. She replied “Approach the world thinking of the bright side of things. Consider the sun shining.”

I asked “Seriously?” and she looked at me as if I was speaking another language. “Yes,” she said. “Think of the sun.”

Here’s a question that I asked myself on Friday. If you think you’re not stupid, does that automatically mean you’re so stupid you don’t realise it?

I said to this elderly man that unless you tell stupid people they are stupid, they’ll never know they need more education. He changed the subject, but I think I’m right on that one.

Alternatively, if you try to be intelligent, but admit your mistakes, does that then makes you intelligent?

I’ve got a friend coming over tonight to discuss a book he wants to write. I’ll see if I can remember to ask him these questions.

Because, honestly, my Patience Bank has been empty since I was a child. And once a Patience Bank is overdrawn, it can’t be a good thing.

No matter how much you think of the sun.

Sunday 2 September

Here’s a question for you this weekend: Has our contempt for authority become so great, that we no longer listen to anybody?

An example of this would be the guy in India who thought a good business idea would be to develop a “vagina-tightening cream”. Apparently it’s for married women who’d like their husbands to be reminded of what it’s like to do a virgin. You’d think at some stage, somebody would have said to the guy “just the idea of applying the cream is going to put people off”. But this guy went ahead, and ended up with predictable results – a gigantic storm-in-a-vagina-cup.

I heard the guy confronted in an interview by a female comedian, who claimed Indian men were the most under-endowed, selfish lovers on the planet. He agreed with that, and presumably has since started developing a cream for that, too. My point is that despite wide-spread ridicule, he’s standing by his product that, obviously, he’ll never have to use on himself.

It’s nice that he’s trying to be an entrepreneur, but he should really develop a cream for afflictions that he can relate to, like lubricating your foot to get it out of your mouth. But he won’t listen. Like politicians usually don’t listen to the people.

I’d like to think we can discuss and debate ideas that we’re passionate about, to actually get to the point of whether they’re worthy or not, but that’s happening less and less. The last time I did that, a work colleague asked us to stop because she thought we were arguing. It seems like we just guess ideas are good nowadays, rather than research.

Now we can look statements up on the Internet from people who have been-there, done-that, we can get our advice as, and when, we need it. The issue of moving away from home and having children, then calling our parents for advice, isn’t a problem anymore, because we have the Internet to ask, instead. And when we have something to say, we just put it on Facebook. You don’t need to call up several people and bore them with your vagina tightening cream idea, you just put them out in cyberspace, and believe that people will read them, when, in actual fact, they’re so self-obsessed they actually just ignore them and focus on their own creams. Until they need advice next, when they run to Google.

How often do you listen to a politician talking and say “what a bunch of vagina tightening cream” (or something like that). I’m guessing it’s whenever you see them talking. Either they’re idiots or you’re ignoring them because you think they’re idiots. That doesn’t make a good society.

Will we do anything about it? Hell, no. Because it’s easier to complain than it is to fix things.

Will I do anything? I’m still trying to get an answer from MPs regarding why we can’t have an independent investigation into the Crewe murders. It’s been 20 months, it’s bound to come soon.

My Second Test for 2012

I have a cold, and the feedback from my last test indicated I have friends who are dickheads. So I’ve been forced to post part two of: My “Are You A Dickhead” Test in order to discover if there are more.

Q1 – You approach a group of people standing at a pedestrian cross-walk that have electronic signs controlling it. The red man opposite is already displaying. Do you; a) Wait for the man to turn green, or b) Press the button again in the hope that it’ll make things go faster? If you chose B, congratulations, you’re a dickhead. The sign is already lit. It doesn’t care how many people are waiting, because it’s a SIGN. Be patient, idiot.

Q2 – Waiting for an elevator, do you; a) Stand to the side, so when it arrives, any people inside can get out, or b) Stand right in front of the doors to create a problem? If you’re the kind of person who does B, well done, you’re on the path to being a massive dickhead.

Q3 – You’re walking with some friends downtown, and suddenly decide you need to touch yourselves. Do you; a) stop in the middle of the footpath and discuss that, or b) do you walk and talk at the same time? If you chose A, you’re a dickhead. Footpaths are for people who are moving, not for dumbasses who want to make themselves obstacles.

Q4 – If you think criticizing a person because they can’t speak English properly in order to serve people is racist, then you’re a dickhead. This comes from Part One’s Question 4 about hiring people with thick accents. It’s not racist to want to be able to communicate. If I went to France and started working in a baguette store, not being able to speak French very well, I’d expect to be ridiculed. The reverse applies.

Q5 – You’re driving up to a roundabout. What do you think to yourself? A) I’ll use my car’s indicators to help other drivers know what I’ll be doing? Or B) I either won’t signal, or I’ll signal bizarrely like I’m at a disco. If you chose B, then not only are you a dickhead, you’re a dangerous dickhead. Use your indicators. It’s in the road code about how. I know you can read, because you’re able to get this far into the blog post!

Q6 – You own a business, and want to put a sign up giving people information. Do you a) Spell it correctly, or b) Spell it incorrectly, because you’re a rebel. If you chose B, you’re a dickhead. There’s no excuse for writing “Openning Hours”. Or “Corngettes”. If you’re so stupid you can’t spell correctly, then you’re so stupid you may sell products that could easily kill children. You’re asking to be lynched.

If you’ve managed to score “Dickhead” to at least one of these questions – congratulations, you’ve now officially a dickhead. Your prize is now sitting in the middle of your closest motorway lane – go get it!

My First Test for 2012

After a particularly difficult week, I’ve been forced to post this: My “Are You A Dickhead” Test!

Q1 – If you’re driving 40km/h on a wide road and somebody is following close behind you, do you; a) Continue driving at 40km/h, b) Slow down, or c) Pull over and let them pass? If you chose anything other than C, congratulations, you’ve taken your first step in acknowledging you’re a dickhead. You’re not the sheriff of the road, you’re just an inconsiderate asshole.

Q2 – If you’re a bus driver, and the last passenger has got on your bus, do you; a) Wait for them to sit down, or b) Press the accelerator hard and see what the passenger does? If you chose b, it may seem fun for a second, but unfortunately, it makes you a dickhead. It’s also looking for a) a lawsuit, or more likely b) a punch in the head.

Q3 – Pushing your trolley in a supermarket, do you; a) Walk slowly in the middle, or b) Keep to the sides, so that people can move past you? Sadly, if you chose A, it means you’re a dickhead. This goes for parents who let their children play in the aisles beside them. I don’t care if it’s tough for you, think of other customers, dickhead.

Q4 – You’re hiring front line staff for your fast food company. Do you; a) Hire somebody that customers can understand, or b) Hire somebody with an accent so thick, they have to constantly repeat what they say? Answer A may be slightly more expensive, but if you went with B, you’re a dickhead. I swear, after hearing a woman at Subway say “Would you like to taste my rash”, it doesn’t matter if you realise she’d actually said “Would you like it toasted or fresh”. You’re still traumatised.

Q5 – Walking down a wide footpath, do you; a) Walk down the centre, either crashing into people or forcing them to avoid you, or b) Walk to the side, preferably the left, like you’re driving? This is so simple, that if you even thought of choosing A, then you’re a dickhead, even if you ultimately changed your mind and went with B. Option B is easier for you, easier for people … if you chose A, what’s wrong with you? Oh yes, I forgot, you’re a dickhead.

Q6 – Three girls perform a punk song in a church, abusing you, the nation’s leader. Do you; a) Take them to court with the threat of years in prison, or b) Fine them for public disturbance? Obviously if you chose A, you’re not only a dickhead, but noticeably a dictatorial tyrant. Congratulations on being somebody everybody hates so much, they don’t even have time to fear you. Dickhead.

If you’ve managed to score “Dickhead” to at least one of these questions – congratulations, you’ve now officially a dickhead. As a prize, you get two handfuls of the closest prescription pills you can find. Please, take your prize as quickly as possible.